


No Mistake For Love

by KarenHikari



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, father/son relationship, mother/son relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 02:20:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5188421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KarenHikari/pseuds/KarenHikari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because mistakes could or could not be forgiven and because love, sometimes, simply wasn't enough. Because a 'Sorry' couldn't change the past and because words could be as hollow as hearts and so he cried, for the first time not ashamed to do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Mistake For Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again!Well, as you can see, I got a trauma after finishing City of the Lost Souls and you are the ones who will have to deal with me. This story does contain spoilers for the previously mentioned book, so I'd really suggest for you to not keep reading if you haven't reached it and/or aren't done with it.
> 
> For those who are still here, thank you! :3
> 
> So, yes... this is angst. There kind of is comfort after the hurt, but it's more angst than anything. I'm sorry. I know that Magnus and Alec do get together (how could they not?), but I had to write something about it. The whole thing... not just the breakup it... it was overwhelming, I needed to make my feelings public by writing.
> 
> The thing goes like this: I've never liked Robert much, and especially after what Alec says that Robert doesn't even ask for how is he in the fifth book, I kinda had my heart breaking (it was actually this part and not the whole break-up thing what actually had me writing this story). At the very same time, Alec says that at least Maryse seems to have 'accepted it', which is already something.
> 
> I'm not quite sure of where I wanted to go, but after writing 'Didn't Love Him' I was left with this... desire to have another introspection with Maryse, so when this ieda appeared, all that I could think of was "Why not?" I wanted to write something in which Maryse was nice, Robert was an asshole and there was angst, those were literally my standards. Also, I wanted to go a little into the whole gay thing.
> 
> Anyways, better read it yourselves and let me know your opinions!

Days had come and go since Alec's breakup with Magnus, and even when the pain hadn't eased in the Nephilim's chest, the time gone by had at least let him know that the ending was real.

He was standing in the library, his absent blue eyes wandering through the piles of book, certain that when he'd crossed the doors he had been looking for a book in specific, but right then he could hardly remember his name, let alone his to-do list.

He didn't notice that he was no longer alone until his father spoke.

"You've returned to hide in the library like you did as a child, haven't you, Alexander?" Robert questioned mockingly, a cold smile plastered across his lips as he caught up with him.

"Sorry?" Alec asked, turning over his right shoulder slightly to meet his father.

"What you heard, son. Or am I mistaken?" he mocked. "Aren't you hiding right now?"

"Hiding?" the younger replied, his eyes narrowing. "Hiding of what?"

"That is exactly what I want you to answer me, Alexander" he concluded, his eyes focused on the same bookshelf Alec's blue eyes had been in lost a minute ago.

"I don't understand what you are saying, Father" Alec admitted quietly, turning his gaze from his father's features to the books again.

As an answer, Robert simply widened his freezing smile.

"Perhaps you are not even trying" he muttered. "However, what I wanted to ask you since I arrived to the Institute is the reason as to why you're still here. I seem to remember that you were staying with that warlock boyfriend of yours or whatsoever" he said, gesturing with his hands dismissively.

To Magnus' mention, even if so vague and so full of despise, Alec couldn't help but gasp nervously.

He knew how uncomfortable both his parents felt with the fact that he was gay and he was simply not interested in females, and he was especially aware of the unkind manner Maryse and Robert had decided to treat Magnus with ever since he'd come out to them.

Until then, it hadn't mattered. No amount of suffering or despair was important if it meant he could be with Magnus because no amount of sorrow was bigger than having Magnus taken away from him.

Until then, it hadn't mattered, because Magnus had been there, holding his hand and gently assuring him that everything would be alright, that there was nothing wrong with being who he was, but now... Magnus was not there anymore, and nothing was able to change that fact.

"I came back" Alec limited himself to answer, his eyes glued to the ground.

"I can see that, Alexander" the older retorted. "What I'm interested in, though, is why" Robert said, turning to face his son for the first time, that cold and cynical smile placed upon his lips.

"Magnus and I are not together anymore" Alec answered, his voice hollow even to him.

"Oh, are you not?" Robert questioned, widening his smile.

"We broke up" Alec concluded, counting the fact that his voice hadn't quivered as something good.

"You did, huh?" Robert mocked, completely oblivious to the pain that burned in his son's chest. On his side, Alec could only bring himself to nod slightly, too confused by what was happening to actually say something

"As I knew you would" Robert continued, finally showing a glimpse of emotion-rage. "I told you, Alexander, did I not? I warned you that this... this caprice of yours wouldn't last more than a couple of months. I told you, Alexander, did I not?" he repeard, gesturing with his hands once more.

"What are you-?"

"Oh, but you didn't listen, did you, Alexander?" Robert continued, as if he hadn't listened to the younger's words. "I told you very clearly, as I recall, that no son of mine could result in being a fag, and you ignored me. But don't worry, son, we will be able to discuss this later, smiling, once you are married to a real woman and-"

"I'm sorry to inform you, father, but I continue to be gay. The only thing that has changed is that Magnus and I are no longer together and you should know that if I ever do get married it will be with a man" Alec finally cut him, his nails digging deeply into the flesh of his hands, his arms starting to shake.

"Magnus, Magnus, that's his name, isn't it? That's the one you are so forcefully defending. Why do you even try, Alexander, when you know as well as I do that by now that Magnus of yours is probably banging someone else?"

Alec could feel his blood boil. Magnus' name sounded wrong, polluted even in Robert's tongue.

He knew how Robert felt towards Downworlders, how deeply he disapproved of them, how disgusting he thought they were, how much he despised them. Until then, he had faced those unfair accusations with a silent disagreement, never daring to contradict his father, as he had been trained to do.

But now... It didn't matter. It didn't matter anymore. He was a Shadowhunter, he was a Nephilim, he had been molded to respect his superiors, and he had, until then. But now... He didn't have anything more to lose. The only thing he had he'd lost already and to listen his father speak of Magnus as if he wasn't even worth his breath was simply more than his sleep-deprived mind could take.

"Don't say it! Don't you dare say it!" Alec spat through his gritted teeth, his shoulder blades so tense that he was surprised he could even shake as he did. "You have no right to speak of him like you do. You have no right to even-"

"I have, Alexander" he cut his son. "As his relationship with you resulted in the dishonor of my family".

"It was me who dishonored your family, if any. And I assure you, I am not ashamed of what I did, nor that I'd change it" Alec hissed, narrowing his eyes.

"You will, Alexander, you will regret it" Robert warned harshly. "Just as you came to your senses and cut your relationship with that Downworlder scum".

"Don't you dare!" Alec spat, crashing his hand against a table placed to his right. "If you are to call Magnus a dishonor why don't you tell me in whose's bed you spent your nights in Idris? Why don't you explain me the reason my mother has been running the Institute on her own?"

"Now you turn to defend your mother, don't you?" Robert mocked. "Fine, then, don't listen to me. So much for the 'Never ending love'. Live in your stupidity. But I'm warning you that you are to discover the truth in my words, Alexander, and you will be ashamed of you as I am right now" he hissed, his eyes two lines so thick it was hard to believe he could see though them.

And with that Robert Lightwood turned on his heels and directed himself to the door, that hypocrite smile plastered across his thin lips, as if nothing could threat him or even touch him.

The words could have shaken Alexander in another time. The words could have sticked under his skin and taken the air out of his lungs, but not this time. And the reason was simple, he knew.

Sometime aback, he had thought that the shame of his family was the worst punishment he could bear but right now, he knew better.

His father's and mother's opinion on his love life, or on his sexuality or on the one he chose to share his life with were of no importance, plainly because the biggest pain he could think of was not to be considered a dishonor for his family, but to have that one special person taken away from him. Which had been, and not because of his parents, but because of his very own stupidity.

Magnus was gone, and with Magnus gone nothing that his father thought of him, good or bad, could bring Magnus back.

No, he couldn't even begin to feel hurt by what his fates had just told him, not even the numb pain he had trained himself to ignore. What he could feel, on the other hand, was his blood boil at the harsh words unfairly directed to the one person whose opinion he cared about.

Sometime aback, he might have been hurt by Robert's words but then, the only thing he could feel was emptiness, that immense void that had opened itself in his chest ever since Magnus had said that what they had was over.

Sometimes, Alec wondered, how was it possible to feel empty. How could you feel the emptiness grow. How could you feel so absent of feeling and yet know there was a throbbing pain in your chest? How could he feel his eyes cloud and his heart pound with fear when he didn't have nothing more to fear?

"Alec?" he heard at his back, a shaky whisper.

The voice sent him wincing in surprise. He gasped for air violently, raising his eyes from where they had fallen in the ground and turned around.

Slowly, he recognized the figure that had entered in the library without him noticing. Surrounded by the shadows that the bookshelves projected stood his mother, her long, black hair, held back by a tail ponytail, her blue eyes widened in something taht could have been concern or disgust, her right hand clutching the left side of her chest.

He couldn't even bring himself to answer, as his breathing was too laboured for him to even process his mother's question.

"Alexander?" his mother repeated, a little louder this time. "Is it true?"

"What did you listen?" Alec managed.

"You and Magnus...?" she replied softly, letting the missing words hang in the air.

"What?" he hissed, rage taking possession of him again. "You can say it now, can't you? How happy you are that it's over! How much you enjoy that your last name is now clean again! Why don't you too tell me how much of a fag I am?"

"Alexander..." she whispered, her voice low, as if she was surprised and even hurt by the tone her son was speaking her in.

Of course, Alec thought as he closed his eyes, trying to ease his ragged breathing. It was the first time he ever dared contradict his parents, let alone shout at them; it was just natural Maryse's pride had taken it as a personal insult.

"Mother, I'm sorry if you hate it" he let out, almost tripping over his own words "but this is me, and if you hate this then you hate me and I-"

He was in the verge of hysteria, he noted. His voice had come out so high-pitched that he could hardly recognize it, his arms shaking and his blue eyes clouded by something that he identified as tears, something almost unknown to him.

"Alexander, Alexander, listen to me" she cut him gently, nearing him, her eyes darkened as she sighed before continuing. "I won't lie at you. I had idealized you marrying a beautiful Shadowhunter girl with golden curls and I had envisioned her in a golden dress and... And you'd had your own children because I can never imagine Izzy with babies but I do see you having kids and I-" she trailed off playing nervously with her fingers.

She paused, her eyes wandering through her son's features for a moment before continuing, as if she wasn't sure of what to say or of how to express herself.

"But to say that I hate you for such a thing is very low" Maryse added softly, finally daring to reach for Alec's left shoulder. "No matter what, you're still my son and you're still my firstborn and you're still my baby and who you love doesn't change anything" she murmured, circling her boy's shoulders to bring him to her chest.

For a second, Alec froze, his body so stiffened as trembling it had been a moment ago. He could picture Maryse being mad, he could imagine her as fearless warrior, or as a dutiful Shadowhunter, but he had no idea of how to picture her as a kind touch or as a reassuring whisper.

It wasn't until he felt Maryse's hand trace soothing circles around his back that he even noticed his body was shaking again under painful shudders.

It had been a very long time ever since she had held her child for more than a couple of seconds, and even when the view that Alec offered at the moment wasn't something that Maryse enjoyed, it was the closest she'd been to her firstborn in a shamefully long time.

Something inside Maryse trembled. She felt... uncomfortable.

She knew she was supposed to be mad, fuming even. It was inadmissible for a Shadowhunter of Alec's standards to allow himself to show such an act, and she surely had heard Robert's unkind words towards her, but even so, she was aware that the tight knot in which her heart had morphed wasn't caused because of that.

She had been trained to see any showing of emotions as a weakness, and she had been trained to despise the weak ones, but her son wasn't being weak as he leaned under her touch, and no amount of Shadowhunter training could persuade her to think that.

Slowly, she bent down, bringing herself to the ground, her back supported by one of the bookshelves, with Alec still in her arms, for once not caring about the high quality of the black dress she was wearing.

What finally brought her back from her missing was his son's faltering voice.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry" Alec murmured, her voice muffled half by his own attempts to stop the words from forming and half by Maryse's shoulder. His voice was low, and yet, the defeated tone in it echoed deeply in the woman's ears. "I know this is not what you wanted, and I know you are ashamed of me and of what I am, but Mother, I-"

"Don't say that, Alexander, please" she scolded softly, taking him by the chin and forcing him to meet gazes with her, pulling back a little from their embrace. "You apologize when you've made a mistake. You apologize when you've hurt someone. You don't apologize for loving a person. You don't chose who you fall in love with. You fall in love because you deserve to love and because that person deserves to be loved, that's all. And even though the person you fall in love with may be the wrong one, that doesn't make love wrong."

"Mother, I-"

"No, Alexander" she cut him off again. "You don't have to justify yourself, you don't have to apologize. Look at me!" she begged when he saw he tried to look away, in an attempt to make him see, to let him understand. "I married an incredible Shadowhunter, I gained a very proud last name to add to my name. And look where that got me! I married a warrior, but not a man. He can shoot an arrow but he can't love and he doesn't know what loyalty is. You just saw him, showing how supportive he is, didn't you? But he is going to listen to me, Alexander, I promise you".

"You don't have to do it" he let out, almost a plea. "You don't have to argue with him if that-".

"And he didn't have to be an ass with you" Maryse interrupted him, matter-of-factly. "I heard what he said and there's no justifying for that, believe me" the woman's blue eyes, a copy of Alec's own, had hardened as mere sapphires. There was hate in her voice, throbbing, deep, but for once, it wasn't there because of what Robert had said or done to her, but because of what he had said to her child, and somehow, her blood seemed to boil harder this time than all the previous.

For a moment, they stayed like that, simply staring into each other's eyes. Alec's breathing had stabled a little, even if his intakes of breath still seemed too violent for Maryse's taste.

He didn't know what to do. His mother was not one to show that fierceness to anything that wasn't a demon, and he surely didn't want to be at the receiving end of that piercing gaze, even when he knew her cold stare was meant to traverse the Institute's wall and reach its actual target-his father.

True was, Maryse didn't know what to do either, until she suddenly found her lips letting out words he would have been ashamed to say as a Shadowhunter but that she simply recognized like the truth as mother.

Slowly, she raised her left hand to Alec's right cheek, caressing him gently before speaking, her eyes still glued to his.

"You don't get involved with someone who'd said what your father just said about you, and you can marry whoever you want" she said, just to softly add. "And you'll count on me. I don't care who he is, as long as he makes you happy".

There was a bitter-sweet feeling to her words. His companions, his family, they had always meant the world to him, and to hear his mother said that, to listen her deep, well-known voice tell him that she approved of his sexuality was something that he would have killed for-in another time.

But right now, even as those words would have meant his whole happiness to him in another time, they didn't matter now, because Magnus was not there to share that happiness with him.

"We are done" he blurted out, rather unceremoniously. "He broke up with me".

"Alec..." Maryse tried saying, just to be interrupted by Alec, his voice once again too fast to make the words clear.

"It was my entire fault" he said, heart pounding. "I made a mistake and I messed everything up and-".

"Mistakes can be forgiven" Maryse pointed out gently.

"Not this one. I-I did exactly what I shouldn't have and spoke with the people he had warned me of and I... I messed everything up".

"Alec, a relationship means two are involved, which means nothing can be 'your entire fault'" she tried once more

"You don't understand. You-you don't know what I did. I-"

"You didn't cheat on him, did you?" Maryse asked, her eyes turning hard as a jewel once more. However, the look Alec gave her wasn't one of guilt, but one of complete surprise.

"Of course I didn't!" Alec hurried to pinpoint, just to then turn nervous again. "But I lied at him and I-I almost-"

"If you didn't cheat on him, then I don't understand what is so unforgivable" Maryse pointed out matter-of-factly.

"I lied to him. And I hurt him" Alec limited to answer.

"Well, this is hurting you and, by extension, me" Maryse argued in a calm voice. Alec was almost taken aback by his mother's answer, but before he could let out his surprise, he remembered why they were arguing for in the first place.

"He won't answer the phone" he muttered. "No matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want to tell him I'm sorry he just-he won't pick up and he won't see me if I go to his house and he... He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore" he finished in a broken whisper.

Silence fell over them, heavy, dense, like a hot afternoon, like the breath of a demon on your back, and neither knew what to do.

Maryse didn't have an answer to the unasked question of what Alec was supposed to do. She wasn't one able to give advice about relationships when hers was so clearly messed up, and she really had no words to reassure her son.

On the other hand, she knew that no matter how confused she was, that hopeless look in Alec's eyes hurt her more than anything else, and whatever she had to do or say to ease that look on her son's features, she would.

"Alexander, I... I don't know what to tell you" she admitted. "I don't know what will happen, and I can't promise you anything. You better than I know how Magnus is, he's so... so unpredictable. I don't know what he'll do, but if he loves you, and I'm sure he must for all he's done for you, he will do something. And no mistake is too big for love".

To her words, soft and simple, fond and sincere, all that Alec could do was hide his face in the crook of her neck again, not crying, not even whimpering, but seeking the warm comfort of a shelter that had been outlawed for him a long time ago and that now suddenly appeared in front of him again, as if by magic. Maryse simply tightened her hold around him.

He inspired deeply, taking in the familiar scent of his mother, like rain falling on dry ground, like a new beginning.

Next to him, Maryse sighed, resting her chin on Alec's black bangs.

They stayed like that for a long time, their soft breathings the only audible thing in the room.

Until Alec took a deep intake of breath before talking again.

"I miss him" he let out, almost in a whisper. "I miss him".

Only after he'd said the words did he realize how true they were. He was hurt and he was mad at himself, but above everything, he missed Magnus.

He missed his laugh, his beaming eyes and the way they seemed to fit together so well. He missed his scent, his deep voice and the calming sound of his heart, too slow for a human. Most of all, he missed, he yearned for the way he'd take him in his strong arms, a silent promise of support.

He missed him. Everything about him. Him, plainly and simply.

"I know, Alec" Maryse murmured. "I know".

He closed his eyes, resting his head in his mother's shoulder. He was tired, so, so tired of everything. Of the war, of the loss, of the grief, of that helpless feeling that never seemed to be enough.

Maryse knew what longing was, and she could recognize that in her child's blue eyes. If there was one thing, one thing she wanted more than anything and that she'd ask the Angel if given the opportunity, that was for her children's happiness, for her children's love. But the feelings of his warriors were not one of the Angel's concerns, as they were not even supposed to feel to start with.

"I don't know what will happen, Alec" she repeated. "But you have to understand that pain is only a part of life, and you cannot let yourself down because of this".

The words were almost a copy of what others had told him before, not even talking about Magnus. For years, for his whole life, he'd been said that no Shadowhunter should ever let out his true feelings, that no warrior should ever let his actions be guided by his emotions. Warriors were not even meant to have emotions.

Right now, however, those arguments seemed to him, to both of them, like lies, like mere and plane bullshit.

Maryse remembered, she remembered the sickening feeling that had filled her throat and chest when she'd first been told of Robert's unfaithfulness, and she knew, better than anyone, that if Alec loved Magnus in a way similar in the least to how she'd once loved Robert Lightwood, then no amount of training or of self-control would be able to lessen the pain he felt.

It was then that she noticed how she shouldn't compare Alec's relationship to hers if she was to wish for her child's happiness.

Lies, she thought, Alec had mentioned lies. Lying was a betrayal, as far as she knew, and the loss of trust was the one thing that truly wounded a relationship.

But then again, a lie didn't necessarily had to be an egoistic action. One could lie to protect a loved one, or to protect oneself. A lie could mean nothing but a mistake, a small, disastrous one, but a mistake in the end. And mistakes could be forgiven, if love was enough.

And if Alec's actions were anything to go by, he loved Magnus enough, Maryse thought. On the other side, the real question was, did Magnus love her son enough to forgive him?

"No mistake is too big for love" Maryse repeated softly, running her long fingers through her son's black hair, but the words sounded hollow to Alec as the only person he wanted to hear that from was Magnus.

Only then did he dwell on the impossibility of Magnus ever loving him again or even forgiving him, on how he'd never feel the warlock's strong arms circle him. And only then did he allow himself to lean into his mother's embrace and cry, cry like he would have been too ashamed to do in another time, but not now, as the only shame that burned in his heart was the very one that had his eyes glazed over.

"Maafkan saya*" he murmured. "I'm sorry" the words too known for him, although there was no one to hear them this time, because even as he was aware that it was all his fault, no amount of remorse would convince Magnus to ever speak to him again, and even when he was willing to invoke the Angel himself, no amount of love would ever change what he had done.

Because mistakes could or could not be forgiven and because love, sometimes, simply wasn't enough. Because a 'Sorry' couldn't change the past and because words could be as hollow as hearts and so he cried, for the first time not ashamed to do it.

**Author's Note:**

> *Maafkan saya stands for 'I'm sorry' in Indonesian. I wouldn't put my hands on the fire for it, but according to Google Translator it is, so, if there is anyone here that actually speaks Indonesian, I'd be really glad to have that corrected, If not, let's just pretend that it's well spelled. The message is the important part of it! XP
> 
> Please tell me what you think, about the story, about the book, about the break-up, about Maryse, I don't care! Feel free to share your thoughts! ;)
> 
> Read you soon!


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